Who (did you let) hurt you?

“Soyez maître de votre destin”: be the master of your destiny

National Museum of Contemporary Art Athens

It was a Sunday evening, I was at home doing all the household chores I didn’t have the time, or the courage, to do during the week. A few hours before I was at a breathwork session. It wasn’t as powerful as the previous I had done some months before, nevertheless, I could feel being in some state of awareness. I’m not sure if this has anything to do with my thoughts that day, but I feel the need to mention it.

Anyway, while I was cooking, I was texting with a friend, and he asked me what I was going to do that night. I answered that I wasn’t in the mood to go out. I wanted to stay at home. He then playfully asked “Why? Who hurt you”?

I locked my phone and put it down. Really, who hurt me? I could immediately think of 4-5 people that I was triggered by, for different reasons. Either because I felt insulted, deceived, ignored, or used.

I realized that this expression wasn’t right. None of them hurt me. They all acted just in the way I let them act. I didn’t set the appropriate boundaries, so they took up all the space they could. Not because they were bad people, but because they could. They could do something for their best interest, so they did.

The dynamic of a relationship, of any kind, is set by the way each of us decides to show up, by defining the space we’re taking up and the ground we’re giving to the others. If you feel you’ve been stepped on, reconsider the limits you set for yourself, not in an egotistic way -the point is not being selfish, ignoring everyone, caring only for yourself. The goal is to interact with others in a way that this fear of being unjust to other people doesn’t lead to being unjust to yourself.

Setting your boundaries by listening to your gut feeling and honoring the truest needs of you authentic self is a fair way of being in your relationships. It’s not ego, it’s self-respect.